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ME

DIARYLAND


Feelin' Fattie
27 September 2004
1:11 pm

I�ve fallen in love with a song. If �Jeanne, if you�re ever in Portland� by Casi0tone for the Painfu!!y Al0ne were a man, I�d marry it and bear it�s beautiful babies. It�s on repeat on my I-pod and I just can�t get enough. Maybe I should buy myself a Casio make some use of the eight years of piano lessons my parents shelled out for.
I looked through some recent photos of myself yesterday and got ridiculously depressed. The logical part of my brain tells me that at nearly 5�10� and a size 10 (sometimes an 8 even), I am no longer fat. However, my brain is so completely fucked regarding my appearance and weight that I still feel like a total fattie. I found something to criticise about my appearance in every single picture I looked at.
This could all be down in part to the fact that because of circumstance and finance, I haven�t been to WW in over a month. I�m back going on Thursday so I suppose I�ll find out then. If I have gained I guess I�ll just hop back on the wagon again. If I haven�t then I�m really going to try to shed the final six pounds I need to lose in order to hit goal. I�ve been gaining and losing the same 3 pounds for months and I�m sick of paying those bastards �5 every week. Bah.
I can�t believe the weekend has come and gone already. We walked, we talked, we snoozed, we cuddled, we saw �Hero,� and we cleaned. It was a very relaxing and cozy couple of days. I�m still as confused as I was last week but very slowly things are starting to become a bit clearer and I�m sure they will only continue to do so over time. Tonight we drink and quiz with Lee�s Uni friend B at the old man pub down the bottom of the road. Tomorrow after work I will get all dressed up to meet Ali for proper grown-up drinks and gossip in the City. It�s a busy week and busy is good because it helos stop me from obsessing about things even more than I would do on a regular basis.
Look at me. I�m a robot who spends much of its time in a grey sterile place with overhead fluorescent lighting!:

I hate it here. It's only the little things like cinnamon tea, emails, and cigarette breaks that get me through the day.

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