First let me just say that my Mom is OK. As far as we know right now, they've got all the breast cancer and after a few tests she'll start hormonal treatment to prevent it coming back. As a long time smoker, she's most nervous about getting the chest x-ray done and told me tonight that she might not. She reckons that if she's sick in any other way, she doesn't want to treat it. That, at 67, she doesn't see the point in going through horrible treatments and such. Should something else be discovered, she'd rather let nature take its course. I am 27 years old. I am an only child and the only family members I know live in Germany. My Mom is an amazing woman whom I admire more than anyone else in this world. My Mom is my best friend. I spoke to her on the phone this evening for almost two and half hours. She has no one to talk to and is very low at the moment. She's so very scared and sad - we both spent a good deal of the conversation in tears. I feel so sorry for her right now and wish that I could take away all her pain. Last night I was in tears for nearly an hour thinking about how scared she is right now and how horrible it is that there is nothing I can do about it. I've been crying off and on again all night tonight. I'm frightened and overwhelmed. I don't want my Mom to be sick and I don't want her to be scared. I wish I could make it all better but I can't; I feel completely helpless. She told me that she'd recently told my Dad that she was worried about about what it might be like for me when she dies. I guess having cancer, no matter how good the prognosis, makes you think these sorts of things. She said she was afraid I'd have a very hard time with it and was nervous about how I'd cope. She knows how thoroughly it would destroy me. Despite these fears, she said that deep down she thinks that I'd eventually be ok. I'm not so sure I would. Just thinking about it makes my chest hurt and my eyes fill with tears. I can hardly see the computer screen right now. I am a pretty strong person but the idea of my Mother dying one day is one of the most horrible things I can possibly imagine. As I said before, she's 67. I'm under no illusion that she'll be around when I'm middle aged. Her death is something that I will most likely have to deal with sooner rather than later. I wish there was a way to ensure that she'd be around for my wedding or the birth of her first grandchild, but I don't know that she will and it scares the shit out of me. My Mom is scared and there's nothing I can say that will make her feel any better. I'm also scared and would normally turn to her for advice which isn't going to happen in this case. Right now, she's all alone in that big house while my selfish Father bullshits with people at the restaurant because he can't stand to be home with her and face reality. I'm alone here in this apartment and, once again, I can't sleep. My wonderful boyfriend has never felt quite so far away because, right now, I could really use a hug.
I am going home a week from tomorrow for four days. It can't come soon enough.
