Back in Britain and so it goes . . .
14 October 2004 3:27 pm
We had a fantastic time in Berlin. The flights were fine, the hotel was gorgeous, the city was fascinating and the food was delicious. My command of the German language turned out to be better than I�d thought, and I managed to converse with people without too much of a struggle. I�m pretty sure that If I lived in Germany for just a few months I�d be nearly fluent � maybe one day I�ll have the chance. I�d write more about the trip right now but, to be honest, I can�t be bothered. Maybe I�ll think of something once I get my pictures back but right now I�m too tired and sad to make the effort. The bad and the uglyI�m tired because we ran ourselves ragged in Berlin and I have still yet to catch up on my sleep properly. I�m sad because I�d put off making a decision about whether or not to leave England until after we returned from Berlin. Now that time is here and I need to start doing some serious thinking and we�ll probably have to make my final decision over the weekend. I�m sad because work is horrible as usual. I�m sad because my Mother�s blood pressure is dangerously high which worries me. I�m sad because I�ve been making the same promises and breaking them for the last ten years. I�m sad because I feel like I�ve been complaining about the same damn things for the last ten years. I�m sad because the weather is horribly grim outside today. I�m sad because my jeans are too short for these high heeled boots and I�m wearing and I look weird in my outfit. I�m sad because I feel like a failure. I�m sad because I don�t feel like a very nice person lately. I�m sad because I�m even entertaining thoughts of leaving and even though in the end it�ll make things a lot easier and clearer, I�m terrified of the possibility of not being around him each day. I�m sad because at nearly 27 years of age I still feel like a child. I�m sad because I still don�t know what I want to do with myself. I�m sad because my credit rating is atrocious and it�s all my fault. I�m sad because I need a haircut but can�t afford one right now. I�m sad because my parents� dog is blind, deaf, and diabetic. I�m sad because I have let myself be disappointed and fooled by someone who has been doing so for years and years. I�m sad because I don�t feel like I have any direction in life. I�m sad because I have to stay here for at least another three hours. I�m sad because sometimes I don�t think that I�ll ever be able to be truly happy. I�m really sad because I feel like a burden on Lee and feel horrible for putting him through all of this. I�m sad because sometimes I wonder whether or not I should have ever moved here. Most of all I�m sad because I just feel completely overwhelmed by all these decisions and emotions and don�t feel capable of functioning properly at the moment. The goodOn a more positive note, I got the new LU$H chocolate lip balm and it�s yummy. It�s so chocolately I fear I�ll put on weight just by licking my lips. The new Le Tigre CD is fantastic - I love Kathleen. One of the most popular songs in Germany right now is a cover of �Break My Stride.� Billiant. Also good was Underground�s cover of �This is How We D* It� featuring none other than Montel Jordan himself, into which they�ve inserted the line ��Cause nobody does it like Germany does.� Seriously though � my favourite new (old) band might be T0k T0k. Good Good. On a final note. Lee. Just wow and wonderful. He amazes me more and more each day. I�m not sure I realised that was possible.
